Posted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 12:08 pm Post subject: Joke thread...
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other with how tough they are.
One mouse orders a large scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two tumblers of Jim Beam, slurps them down in quick succession, slamming each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The macho mice then turn to the third mouse, Butch, to see what he has to say about it. Butch lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this crap. I've gotta go home and screw the cat in the ass."
2 XXX mints walk into a bar, order 8 pints each, which they promptly neck.
A small, weedy, green mint comes into the bar, orders a shandy, then leaves. The barman sees the XXX mints hiding under a table and asks whey they're hiding - after all, they're twice the size of the little mint. The mints say "we might be well hard XXX mints, but he's bloody menthol!"
When Jane first met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh,...Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong,...but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here" she said, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What in the hell did you do that for?"
A rastaman goes into the bank with 2 bags of weed and hands it to the teller.The teller asks "wat's this for?" he replies "i'm here to open a joint account" _________________
Joined: Aug 10, 2007 Posts: 4457 Location: Sin City, NV
Posted: Thu Jan 28, 2010 4:12 pm Post subject:
3 guys walk into a restaurant. They sit at a table and frantically start masturbating. The waiter walks over and says "DEAR GOD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!" One guy looks up and says...The sign on the wall says "First come, First served." _________________ Intel i7 3930K | Corsair H100 | Killer Nic Xeno Pro
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After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand bed. He immediately begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly." She replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he continues.
"Not at all." She says nibbling on his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well then who in the Hell is it?" he demands.
"That's me before my surgery." _________________ i5-3570k | Asrock Z77 Pro 4 | 8gb DDR3 1600 GSkill | MSI TF GTX 770 | X-fi XM | Samsung SA27950D | XFX Pro 750w | Win7x64
Tom wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else.
One day Tom got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you'. The girl looked at him, then said, 'NO.'
Tom said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... So she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!' _________________ i5-3570k | Asrock Z77 Pro 4 | 8gb DDR3 1600 GSkill | MSI TF GTX 770 | X-fi XM | Samsung SA27950D | XFX Pro 750w | Win7x64
A big-game hunter walked into a bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.
This was a bit too much for the other customers and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.
They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."
He was right!
The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round.
So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole he added, "The rifle was a .308."
He was right again!
This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"
His wife replied angrily, "From me!" "What did I do?" he asked.
She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and yelled, "Skunk, killed with an ax!" _________________ i5-3570k | Asrock Z77 Pro 4 | 8gb DDR3 1600 GSkill | MSI TF GTX 770 | X-fi XM | Samsung SA27950D | XFX Pro 750w | Win7x64
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